Signs You're Going to Have a Bad Day

You know it's going to be a bad day when...

* your twin sister forgets your birthday.

* you wake up face down on the pavement.

* you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

* you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

* you see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer
office.

* your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the
candles.

* you turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency
routes out of your city.

* you wake up to discover that your water bed broke and
then you realize that you don't have a water bed.

* your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

* you get a rejection notice from the HUMOR Listserver say-
ing that you're no longer funny.

* your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad news and good
news..."

* you open the paper and find your picture under a caption
that reads: "WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE!"